


Loving You Is Like Hating Myself

by JJ8



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-17
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-07-15 16:52:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7230748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JJ8/pseuds/JJ8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Making decisions in life can be difficult. The outcome can be great or horrific and either way you have to deal with the result. While both of them recover from the same hearbreak they handle it quite differently. Tobin seems to be stuck in the past and wants to move forward while Alex's world is crushing down and she wants to go back in time. No matter how hard they're trying it doesn't seem to work out. Will they ever be able to escape eachother and simply move on?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Tobin, are you okay?" I heard someone ask me although the noise seemed to be far away from me. I barely noticed my surrounding nor the comforting hand on my back. Suddenly it became painful to breathe and my mouth went dry. How could she do that? Why would she want me to feel this sort of pain? What did I do to deserve this? When did she decide on this? Many of these questions bothered my mind but one was more prominent than the others. Where is she? 

I jumped up from my seat in the lobby of the hotel while I was holding onto the news paper tightly. I felt sick and Allie's worried face made it clear that my mental break down was written on my face. I realized that she probably didn't know what was going on and I felt bad about her worries but that wasn't the most important issue at that moment. Nothing seemed to be more important than confronting her. I pushed Allie out of my way before I rushed out of the room and sprinted up the stairs of the hotel. I wanted to reach my destination as soon as possible because I felt myself getting weaker by every second that passed. If I was about to make a point then I didn't want to appeavulnerable. Especially not to her. 

I ran down the corridor before I stopped at one particular room. I didn't even think about knocking on the door and just bursted into the room. Two heads whipped around with a confused expression on both their faces. I felt myself getting even angrier now that she was standing in front of me and my heart was beating in an unhealthy manner. Kelley quickly walked up to me and put her hand on my shoulder as she seemed to sense my discomfort, trying to make me meet her eyes but they focused on just one thing. One person. Alex. 

"Are you okay, Tobs? You look like you're about to pass out." Kelley asked me concerned and the sincere sound of her voice made me turn my head into her direction. She was right, I felt like passing out any second but it didn't really matter now. "Do you want to sit down? Maybe drink some water?" Kelley questioned again. She looked worried and desperate to help just like Allie had looked a moment ago. I assumed it was because of the tears that were slightly blurring my view but didn't fall down my cheeks yet. My gaze wandered back to Alex who looked just as helpless as Kelley but I was aware that she knew exactly why I was in the room the both of them shared. She seemed frozen and terrified. Her right hand reached out to me but her arm was glued to her side.  
I gently took Kelley's hand off my shoulder before I adressed the defender politely. "Can you give me a moment with Alex, please?" I asked her and shivered at the sound of my weak voice. "Me and her need to discuss a few things." I explained and Kelley looked at Alex while nodding.

"Of course, I'm going to Hope's room, okay? Tell me if you really do need help." She told me and I gave her a small smile, trying to show her how appreciative I was. She left the room shortly after and I looked at the uncomfortable looking forward. 

"Maybe you should sit down like Kelley suggested. I don't want you to-" Alex stammered and her cheeks flushed a little. She looked cute but it wasn't enough to distract me so I cut her off. I stepped forward and held the news paper towards her.

"Could you explain this to me?" I asked her and tried my best not to let the tears run down my cheeks. I saw Alex tear up as well and she gulped before she slowly grabbed the news paper from my hand. It was clear that she already knew what the headline said but her eyes skimmed over it anyway. 

Soccer Star, Alex Morgan, now engaged to long-time boyfriend Servando Carrasco! 

It was a simple sentence but the pain it caused was very complex and hard to describe. Alex brought one hand up to her face and rubbed her temple. She was slightly shaking and her breathing was uneasy as she looked at me again. "What do you want me to explain, Tobin? There's nothing to explain." She nearly whispered and I couldn't help but breathe out a sarcastic laugh.

"Nothing to explain? Really, Alex? Alright, let me help you out. How come I find out about your engagement through anything other than you? When did you plan on telling me that you were getting married to someone you were cheating on for the last year? With me! What the hell am I to you?! Don't you think I deserve to know about this?!" I yelled at this point because I couldn't hold anything back anymore. I couldn't help the tears that were coming out of my eyes and I couldn't help the emotions that were overcoming me. Alex backed away from me a little. She was shocked because I hardly ever raised my voice when she was around and especially not out of anger.

"I was going to tell you..." She mumbled but her voice was trembling. "I just needed to think about the timing, I guess. I didn't think it was that important to you..." She explained slowly and I looked at her in disbelief. 

"You didn't think it was important to me?! Are you even listening to yourself? Have you ever considered that I have feelings too? Or is that too much to expect from you, Alex? Is your mind not capable-" 

"Do I really need to stand here and listen to you insulting me? Be mature for once, Tobin. I'm not stupid and you know that." She told me angrier now but everything about the way she looked seemed to be sad. That alone told me that me and her both knew I was right. 

"Oh, I apologize. Excuse my brainless behavior of thinking that someone as smart as you wouldn't act like this. I couldn't think of any other explanation and had to reconsider my early assumptions of your intelligence. I hope you can forgive me." I spat and she wrinkled up her nose the way she always did when she got frustrated. Sarcasm has never been a good way to prove a point but it seemed to be the only way that I could show her how ridiculous she was. Apparently she didn't like it.

"Fuck off, Tobin. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, okay? I can't change it now, can I? What do you expect me to do about it?" She crossed her arms in front of her chest after she had put down the paper. I burried my face into my hands for a moment before I sighed and looked into her eyes.

"I don't expect anything anymore, Alex." I said quietly. Fighting was useless, she wouldn't change her mind if her life depended on it. She was just naturally stubborn. "Just...Tell me why. Why would you marry him when you weren't even able to keep your hands off me for the last months? If he was that important to you then you wouldn't have cheated on him. Does he even know that?" I asked her but with less anger this time. I didn't feel like pushing it anymore. This conversation wasn't about making her mad or offending her. I just really wanted to understand the things that didn't make any sense. 

"Because I need something stable in my life. I can't just go on like this, Tobin. You and me just don't work out. I don't want to wait for commitment any longer and he really is important to me, regardless of what you think. You always decide when I'm able to see you and I can't go on like this. You're not able to move forward and it hurts to think that you're never really with me." She said and wiped a tear away from her cheek.

"So you're hurting me instead?" I couldn't help but ask. My voice sounded cold and that was the way I intented on sounding. This was so fucked up and I just couldn't believe we were at this point. "Am I important to you?" I questioned. If he was important to her then what was I to her?  
She seemed to be almost offended by the questions and took a quick step towards me to place her hand on my cheek, making me flinch but I didn't step away.

"Of course you are. You're so important to me, Tobin. I need you but I can't go on like this. I never meant to hurt you but I don't want to be in this position anymore. Please...believe me." She begged and I finally understood what she meant. It was a realization that I had been afraid of since I was a child. I backed away from her when it hit me.

I wasn't important enough...

"Tobin?" Alex asked carefully. "I don't want you to be upset or anything. I really liked what we had but I need something deeper than this." She told me and for the first time ever I was actually annoyed by the sound of her raspy voice. Me and her obviously had a completely different understanding of the word 'upset'. I was way beyond upset.

"Alex, I got it! You're just repeating yourself over and over again. This doesn't make it any better, don't you understand that? You're excuses are irrational and I don't wanna hear them anymore. It's not even about this, whatever it was that we had, being over. It's about you being a complete asshole. You were not only lying to me but you're also lying to your god damn...fiancé. Even I know that he doesn't deserve this but you...you don't seem to be a little sorry about anything that happened. I feel so stupid right now because I actually thought I knew who you are-" 

"Oh, come on!" She cut me off. "I never pretended to be anyone but myself and I never lied to you. You knew I had a boyfriend. I wasn't leading you on and if I was then I wasn't aware of it. It's not your business what he knows and what he doesn't. He loves me, he's there for me and I'm gonna marry him. You should just accept that, Tobin!" I was shaking my head in disbelief and she sighed before putting her head in her hands. 

"Well, maybe you're right. I was making a fool out of myself the whole time then. Thinking you might have feelings for me is such a ridiculous thing to do, isn't it? Since you were the one who kissed me and you were the one who intended on sleeping with me, it's crazy to think that you wanted this as much as I did." She looked at me again as I spoke my mind.

"I did! I do have feelings-" I didn't even want to hear it. I knew what she was about to say but I also knew that me and her had again a very different understanding of those words.

"You don't even fucking love him! You can't even say it! You don't love me but you also don't love him. I don't think you're even able to love someone. You're a freaking hypocrite, Alex, and I don't want to listen to you anymore. It's a shame that I wasted so much time on you." I said because every other emotion was pushed aside by anger and it felt like my heart was going to burst. I didn't want to look at her anymore and I didn't want to hear the sound of her voice. I just wanted to leave. I was done, I knew everything I needed to know and it was time to go.

"No, please, Tobin." Alex cried. She didn't bother to wipe away the tears that were running down her face and it was pathetic that I had to keep myself from doing it myself. "I can't lose you."  
I turned around and walked over to the door while I was forced to listen to the weak sobs that were coming from the other side of the room. There was nothing more to say, nothing to change or take back.

It's tragic that people expect so much from others, that they dare to think they would get back the same amount of effort that they originally put in. It doesn't work because this world isn't perfect and you can't stop pain from haunting you. Life isn't fair and sometimes all you can do is accepting that.

"You can't lose something that you never actually had..."

\- one year later ~ 2015 -

"Could you have guessed how long it could possibly take me to order a god damn coffee? Because it turns out that it takes about 40 minutes. I feel like everybody should retire as soon as an athlete. 60-years-old women are slow ass people, I'm telling you. If you don't understand Starbucks, don't go there and take 30 minutes to order a freaking regular coffee." Christen expressed in the most exaggerating way ever while she plopped down into the seat next to me. I glanced over to her with a light chuckle that you could barely hear over the loud airport noises. It looked like she had been succesful in the long run though since she was now holding two cups of coffee in her hands. She handed me one and I carefully took a sip.

"That sounds like a very traumatic experience and I'm truly sorry that something as horrific as that had to happen to you, Chris." I told her and she rolled her eyes as I continued. "But I'd like to take a moment to quote Kourtney Kardashian which I never thought I would: 'Kim, there are people dying.' Do you get the concept here or do I need to explain the relation between you and her real quick." Christen tried her hardest not to laugh and shook her head. 

"You're such an ass. I got you coffee, I'm allowed to whine about how long and how much effort it took me." Christen said and I smirked before turning my head back. I let my gaze wander through the crowded airport. The whole team was waiting for their individual flights to take them home. I looked at a couple of my teammates who were all over the place. I saw Julie and Kelley talking to eachother on the opposite of me and Christen as well as Whitney and Becky silently reading their books. Everyone looked a bit tired but nobody was complaining about it because after all we had just won the world cup and celebrated with fans and family and the whole country really. All that was left to do now was to get home and get some rest before we would start playing our victory matches. 

My eyes skimmed over everyone but they stopped at one particular person. It was no surprise that Alex would catch my eye. She always did, if I intended to or not, she just did. I couldn't help but stare at her every now and then because my pathetic self liked to be masochistic. Nobody knew better then me that thinking about the past will only keep you from moving forward.  
It's not like I'd think hateful things when I looked at her. I wasn't angry, I wasn't even said nor depressed. I had been all of these things at some point but that was like ages ago. The hurtful part about looking at her were the memories that came to mind when she did certain things. It wasn't about missing what has been or wishing she was still by my side, I felt physical pain whenever I thought about the numbness in my chest. The numbness I forced onto myself. There was nothing left. No emotion, no thoughts, no nothing. I just stopped trying to figure out what I was feeling and told myself that I felt nothing. There was no point in thinking about it anyway. It just hurt and there was no way out of the pain.

But it made me anxious that one minute I was completely in love with this woman and the other I didn't care about her anymore. She had been the most important person in my life at some point and now I wouldn't even have given her my sweater if she had been freezing. Who would give their sweater to a stranger, right?

I was constantly trying my best to stick to that numbness because it was simply the better option.

But today was different, what had caught my interest were the tears that shimmered in her eyes. Alex stared down at her phone before she mindlessly dropped it to the ground. She covered her eyes with her hands and my chest tightend. I hated when people were crying, it made me uncomfortable and I always felt the need to cry as well.  
I grabbed Christen's wrist which caused her to nearly drop her coffee and she glared at me. I pointed into the direction of Alex. "Look."

Christen did so and immediately rolled her eyes at the sight. 

"I think she's crying." I pointed out and she shrugged. "You need to do something." I demanded and Christen breathed out a sarcastic laugh. That wasn't the reaction I hoped for but it wasn't unexpected either.

"I need to do something about it? I don't think so. You know damn well that I don't like her. I won't start comforting her." Christen said and sipped on her coffee. I knew that Christen didn't like Alex and it was really bothering me. Of course Christen could like and dislike who she wanted, what bothered me was that Christen disliked Alex for the wrong reasons. For my reasons. Christen was my best friend and she was protective as hell which had caused her to plan on choking Alex to death when the incident between me and her had happened. At some times Christen had been angrier with Alex than I had ever been. It was unfair and I wished Chris didn't act like that because it had nothing to do with her.

"Come on..." I whined and leaned back in my seat. "She's upset and crying. You have no heart, Press." 

"And you have too much of a heart, Heath. Which is surprising since she ripped it out herself." Christen snapped and my eyes widened. 

"Wow...Ouch..." I was not expecting that at all and for some reason it actually made me quite mad. "You know what, Christen, then don't do anything, okay? You have no right to be mad at her whatsoever and you shouldn't talk about things you don't know anything about. This is my life and my god damn heart which is still in place for your information. You don't get to say these things, it's not even your business." I told her. Maybe I was a bit unfair myself but Christen knew exactly how to push my buttons so it was her own fault that I snapped back at her. I got that she wanted to help me but Christen was more than aware of the fact that I didn't want to talk about the Alex-Thingy ever again. Yes, every now and then I was thinking about it but I didn't want to talk about it. Simply because I hated the reaction my brain caused when it tried to connect pain and words: I was bawling my eyes out as soon as I started to speak. And if there was one thing I hated even more then it was people trying to comfort me or even worse: trying to cheer me up.

"Well, maybe you need to hear them, Tobin." Christen exclaimed loudly. "And it is my business when you're always claiming that I'm your best friend! I'm not going to watch you suffer-"

"Stop!" I cut her off and stood up immediately. I felt several gazes on me and Christen stared at with a pained expression on her face. She was in pain?! Christen didn't even know what pain really was. "Just leave me alone." I told her and grabbed my backpack. As I made my way over to a different section of the airport I passed Alex. The gesture that followed made everything even worse because it was painfully familiar. She reached out for me but didn't raise her arm as if she intended to but changed her mind in the last second.

I found a seat in the back where only Becky and Whitney sat. I said down next to the defenders and concentrated on my breathing. I tried to remember what Christen had taught me about meditation and slowly breathed in and out. I rather quickly realized that that wasn't helping me in any way though. I could feel the air filling my lungs but I couldn't focus enough to stop thinking about...what happened. So I looked to the defenders and both of them had a book in their hands, Whitney was asleep though and I snatched her book away from her. 

Whitney turned out to have a terrible taste in books but at least it distracted me for awhile.


	2. Chapter 2

I would not consider myself a very lucky person. Every now and then I was feeling really high and blessed but then again everything I accomplished in my life was hard work. The past had been rough, career wise and personally wise, but I fought my way through the struggles in order to become the person I was at that point.  
So it was only natural that my seat on the plane was right in the middle between Buehler and...Alex. What a blessing...  
I stared at the seat, Buehler stared at me and Alex stared out of the window. I thought about how long it could possibly take me to just walk home. Maybe a couple of weeks? Was it worth it? Probably. But I was an adult and either way I would have to get back to Portland so I had to handle the situation maturely which included ignoring the existence of the forward to my right and pretending to be dead.  
Well, maybe not dead. I'd come to the realization that it might not be the best idea considering that I was on an airplane but I could pretend to be asleep. It didn't take a lot of effort anyway since I was more than thankful for a nap. 

Unfortunately for me the flight was quite rough and the turbulences made it hard for me to sleep because I felt like we were about to die every ten minutes. So eventually I gave up on the idea and just flipped through the pages of a magazine. Now don't get me wrong I wasn't trying to be concerned nor was I trying to even notice the discomfort of the passenger to my right. It was just that Alex was whimpering ever so slightly and it became very distracting. After I had read the same line over and over again without actually getting it into my head I took a look to my left to see that Buehler had managed to fall asleep unlike me and I frowned as quiet as possible. 

I leaned back into my seat and closed my eyes. I was mad at myself for trying so hard not to reach out for her and comfort her, I was mad that I remembered how scared Alex got whenever there was any trouble going on while being on a plane and I was mad about feeling genuinely bad about myself for not doing anything. It was human to help someone who is in discomfort, right? It was not okay to just sit back and do nothing but was I in the position to do otherwise? Honestly I had wished a lot of times to get Alex out of my life all together but it wasn't possible. There was only one women's national team of the United States, I loved representing my country and I wasn't going to become Canadian or something to switch nations so avoiding the Alex Morgan was kinda hard to do. I opened my eyes because I saw no way around it. 

"Alex?" I said slowly and turned my head towards her. Her whimpering came to a sudden stop and it looked like she was holding her breath. She seemed almost unsure if I had really just spoken to her which I would have been too considering the last actual conversation we had was almost a year ago and wasn't something I liked to remember but did ever so often. She turned her head into my direction with wide eyes so I was able to admire the shade of blue her eyes resembled. A nice colour if you ask me. Her eyes weren't something outstanding or spectacular but definitely pretty so they matched the rest of her body. 

"You'll be fine. This flight is only about another 30 minutes. We've been on a few hundred flights you can survive another one. There is not a lot that can happen in half an hour." I told her and she leaned against the window but kept her gaze on me. 

"You can definitely lose a soccer game in half an hour, Tobin." She said and a little smile was displayed on her face. Her voice was as raspy as it used to be and I was...relieved. For some reason the first thing that came to mind was that I hadn't missed out on much. Things were still the same. She was still the same person, her voice was still raspy, her eyes were still pretty, that smile on her face was still adorable and I was still a fool. Nothing had changed just the fact that I should have known better by now. I should have felt differently by now but it still pained me deeply that I was not her priority. She had this effect on me and it made me sick. Maybe control was the wrong word but she kept forcing these emotions onto me whenever I took too much time to think about her. I definitely had my reasons to keep the distance between us. "And these 30 minutes might ruined your entire career." Alex continued to say.

"No." I shook my head. "You don't ruin your career in 30 minutes. There is always something leading up to that. It's about effort and passion not about half an hour of your game. It's about more than just winning." I said to her and wasn't sure if all I meant was soccer related. 

"But there's a certain point when it hits you. It's the end of...your career." Alex blinked a few times and gripped her water bottle tightly.

"What's hitting you is realization not a sudden point of failure." I redirected my gaze to the seat in front of me before I spoke up again. "I don't know where I'm going with this, sorry." 

"Don't be..." Alex mumbled. I reached out for my headphones but before I could start playing music I heard her say one more thing. "I missed the sound of your voice."

-

"You shouldn't have calmed her down. You don't want her to get the wrong idea." Christen mumbled into the phone and I could tell that she was eating while speaking. I had gotten of the plane about four hours ago without any further (Alex-) complications. I had kept the headphones on my ears and just didn't look around anymore. Now I was back at my apartment which was quiet for the most part. I was living alone because roommates weren't really my thing. Don't get me wrong I appreciated my friends and loved to be surrounded by them just not all the time. I didn't like people making alot of noises in the morning or at any time really and I also didn't like having to clean up after people because they were gross. And after all there was no one I knew good enough on my current team that I would have wanted to share an apartment with. Allie Long was living with her boyfriend and the only other person that I had ever been close with is Alex who is not on my top ten list of people I'd like to share a home with for obvious reasons.

"And what idea would that be, Chris? That I'm a nice person?" I questioned while I opened my fridge to see that I was out of food as always. Christen was genuinely starting to annoy me with all that advice. She was like the devil on my shoulder that had no counterpart. She was bitching so much about Alex that sometimes I wondered if I had been the one who had feelings for Alex Morgan or if it had been Christen. There wasn't a single good word about Alex coming out of her mouth which often resulted in me being the one to defend the forward. 

I understood Christen though. She was my closest friend and I had always been honest with her. She had been the one to help me get through the 'break up' or whatever you want to call it. She became family to me and the two of us talked on a daily basis. Unfortunately for us we played for two different club teams so the only times we actually got to see eachother in person was when we were called up for national team occasions. Most of our friendship was bonded through phone calls and late night conversations. The person to go to hadn't been Christen though when that thing between me and Alex went down. Allie had been that person but our friendship had been an issue itself. I loved Allie, she was sweet and all but she was probably as much of a friend of mine as she was a friend of Alex. Me and Alex had never told her anything about what was going on and when it was over I didn't think I was in the position to talk about it with her because in order to let her help me I would have had to give her some context. And giving her context would have meant practically outing Alex which I didn't even took into consideration because nobody has the right to do something like that. 

Christen knew about me and Alex but only because one night Alex had sent a text to the wrong person which was addressed to me. So she found out before it was even over. Her dislike for Alex though was probably my fault. To be honest I didn't really say the nicest things about Alex when we were done and Christen only ever heard about that side of our relationship. 

"No..." Christen dragged out the word. "You are indeed a very nice person but maybe you need to take it down a level when it comes to your ex. Like...you do you, Tobs, but I think it's just healthier for you to keep the distance. I know you don't give anyone the right to talk bad about Alex but I'm your best friend and I'm gonna say it anyway: She doesn't deserve kindness. Or at lest your kindness. You need to catch a break, Tobin-"

"I know that." I cut her off. By now I was pacing through the room the way most people do when they're talking to someone on the phone. "I'm struggling though. I don't think you understand the intensity of the relationship we had. It was...cruel but intense and alot of emotions were involved. Yes, it's been a year already and normally I wouldn't act like this, questioning things and struggling to keep up the facade but she surrounded me for the last few weeks and I was confronted by the past every damn day. I wished I wouldn't even be thinking about her anymore. Of course she doesn't deserve my attention but I'm not like her. Cutting people off, dropping friends and breaking people's hearts. I'm not like Alex because it's not easy on me!" My voice was shaking and tears burned in the corner of my eyes. I sat down on the couch, trying to steady my breathing pattern. This whole conversation was exhausting me, the whole situation was still ruining me and that made me sad. I had so little control over my own brain that I had become a mess once again. Obviously it was hard when it was over but at least I didn't have to see her much after that but since the world cup came around and Alex was a natural starter I had been forced to get used to her presence. The only problem was that I couldn't get used to her. 

"Tobin...it's alright..." Christen's soothing voice rang through my ears and I sighed deeply. "We can talk about something else. Just relax, maybe you need to get some rest." Christen knew her boundaries and where she crossed lines which caused her to back paddle know. I had gotten genuinely upset but that wasn't entirely her fault. Alot of emotions just started to crash down as some sort of relief. The tension that kept me together while I was around Alex was finally breaking loose which literally meant that hell broke loose.

"I'm fine, Chris." Not really but for the sake of other people let me pretend. "I just...I want you to understand why it's so hard. It's like...it's like biting your fingernails-" 

"That's a gross comparison." Christen exclaimed before I was able to continue. I could only imagine the way she grimaced at the comparison and I chuckled lightly.

"Maybe, but it works. Biting your nails is essentially something you chose to do in the first place because you somehow thought it would be a good idea even if you're aware of the fact that it really isn't. It's a chosen habit if you will. After you have done it for a while, tons of people mentioned it to you and your fingers start to hurt you might wanna stop. Now if you're actually able to stop you will continue to look down on your nails and everytime you do you will have to fight the urge to give in. It's a struggle..." I explained to my friend.

"For some reason this actually makes sense which is surprising. Your mind is weird, Heath, but I love ya. Go to bed, get some rest. We will talk tomorrow." And without another word she hung up on me. 

-

I woke up to the sunlight shining through the big window in my living room which made me realize that I had fallen asleep on the couch and I regretted it the moment I felt the ache in my back. I probably owned the most uncomfortable couch on earth and didn't make sense to me how I had been able to fall asleep on that thing. I rubbed my eyes and blinked a few times to adjust to the bright light. I grabbed my phone from the table next to me to check some texts I would perhaps never reply to and some tags on twitter and instagram which made me rethink the decision of doing so. Some fans can be too much. 

I also had gotten a reminder that there was a Portland Thorns meeting today to basically sum up the season. I thought that it was unnecessary and it kept me from doing nothing which was really disappointing. But for the sake of other people's feelings I got up and ready before purposefully running a bit late to the meeting. 

I entered the room and was greeted by...nothing. Nobody was paying any attention to me because everyone was focused on some video tapes from the past season. I was already bored with the content of this conference and I hadn't even sat down yet. After taking a seat in the very back, meaning as far away from the training staff as possible, I entertained myself with games on my phone. I looked up every now and then just in case some coach would look around and I would have to pretend to be interested by randomly nodding for no reason whatsoever.  
While doing that I noticed that there was someone else who wasn't paying attention to the coaches and videos. Alex was looking at me. She sat in the row in front of me but on the far right. I kept my head down but glanced over to her which she seemed to notice immediately. The corner of her mouth lifted before she bit on her bottom lip and slowly turned back around.

What was going on...?

Now to understand my confusion a little better you must know that this barely ever happened. We never really kept eye contact and even in my worst nightmares she didn't smirk in my direction. That was new...or was it? I probably couldn't tell. I never looked at her anymore except for on the pitch. I mean I had tried not to do so but I ended up with almost getting a concussion by the impact of a ball against my head. I got yelled at pretty badly and I had an headache for days. Definitely wasn't worth it.   
So maybe she had been looking at me and I never noticed...

Either way it was weird and it made me uncomfortable. I tried not to think about it a lot and just continued to keep my gaze down. The meeting was over fairly quick so I got up lazily and made my way back over  to my car. 

"Tobin!" Oh no. This was bad. I wanted to run over to my car but then again that would have been really embarrassing and not at all mature. "Can I talk to you for a second?" There was panic rising inside of me. Sure, we had shared a couple of words just yesterday but I started it. I knew what it would be about and I was the one ending it. I was not prepared for so much Alex at a time but there was also no way around it. She was standing behind me and my car was still about two long steps away from me so I turned around to look at the forward. 

Alex was giving me a small smile but just that was like a kick against my chest. There was no reason to smile...I didn't want her smile. I didn't want to see it because I didn't want to catch myself thinking about the fact that it was beautiful. I didn't want all of that. But now that she was standing in front of me I was practically forced to take a look at her appearance. Her hair was braided nicely at the side of her head and she was wearing her hair in a ponytail. It looked like something Amy Rodriguez would have done and the thought of her managed to lighten my mood just a tiny bit. Her hair had gotten a little lighter from the sun that was shining and her skin seemed to be a little darker. She looked healthy and her eyes were shining.   
She was wearing black leggins, sneakers and a tight fitting shirt. Overall it was hard to deny that she looked...pretty. 

She stared at me for a moment but I couldn't come up with anything to respond so I just waited for her to speak up. Her eyes were fixated on my jawline and I could see that she was biting the inside of her cheek. 

"I just wanted to...thank you." She told me softly after taking a deep breath. "For yesterday. You made me feel a lot better and you didn't have to do that." 

"I know. It was my choice though. It's not necessary to thank me." I told her through gritted teeth and took a step back already turning back around. 

"No, wait." Alex left arm reached out to me but stopped just before she touched my skin. Slowly but surely I was starting to think that this was a habit she adopted. "It was indeed necessary but I also wanted to tell you something else." She rubbed her right shoulder and looked just slightly past me. "I'm going to leave Portland. I asked to be traded to Orlando. So I'll be playing for them next season." I honestly didn't know what kind of response she was expecting but I didn't know how to react. It wasn't going to be much different. It would be...better if she left. I should be relieved but I wasn't. If she was leaving I felt like that little part of hope was leaving as well. Not the hope of getting back with her or her apologizing. Just the hope that this was all just a long and bad dream. That I wouldn't have to get through the pain she still caused. 

"Why?" I asked slowly and she raised her perfect eyebrows.

"Because...um...because Servando is going to play for the men's team and also because they offered me a better contract. More opportunities and more input. Just overall a better situation." Alex was talking incredibly fast. She was probably hoping that I wouldn't be able to hear the first part but I heard it very clearly. She was going to play for a different team to be closer to him. I was surprised Carrasco was even offered a contract by Orlando City considering he wasn't really a skillful player. A no name for the international market if you will. But then again it was an american men's team so not really the best of the best when it came to soccer in general. It made sense for Alex to go with him I guessed.  
They were married. It was logical...

"No..." I shook my head and looked to my right to see the sun shining bright. It was a warm and nice day. The sun felt good against my skin. "I meant why did you feel the need to tell me about it? I would have heard about it anyway."  I redirected my gaze to hers and she met my eyes. She sighed and crossed her arms over her chest. 

"I just...I felt like it was important to tell you first. This time I was going to do it the right way." She mumbled and I bit my cheek just to make sure I was actually awake. Did she really just say that?

"This time?" I couldn't help the sarcastic laugh that was escaping my lips because the only two reactions to this statement could be laughing or crying and I wouldn't choose the last one. "Are you seriously comparing your damn soccer trade to the time you forgot to tell me you were getting married?" I was raising my voice just slightly because there were still people around. They weren't close to us but I wanted to avoid drawing people's attention. Alex was looking around now as well and she was blushing. 

"Not...comparing, no." She stammered. "Just learning from my mistakes..."

"Mistakes? Are you kidding me? You don't get to talk about your mistakes because you don't even know what you did wrong, Alex. You never understood it so please don't pretend to do so now. It was never about the fact that you didn't tell me first. It was about your actions themselves. I don't care about you being traded to another club, I don't care about anything you do anymore. If I remember correctly this is the first time we even talk about this so please don't try to make up for your 'mistakes'. Don't talk to me like we're fine- Actually, don't talk to me at all." I exclaimed angrily. 

"Tobin...I want to talk about this...just not here-"

"If I was you I'd talk as long as I'm still giving you the chance to do so. I'm not going anywhere with you." I cut her off and she looked frustrated.

"I'm sorry, okay? I am. Please, we can talk about this but not here. Not now. I'm not prepared for this. There are so many things I want to tell you." 

"You need preparation? You had about a year to prepare for a conversation. Have you considered the idea of me perhaps not wanting to hear it? What are you even sorry about-" Now I was the one who was cut off by Alex who gripped my wrist tightly and suddenly stood very close to me. 

"I'm sorry about us. I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I'm sorry for what I did. Believe me, I do know about my mistakes. I had a lot of time to think about them and to regret so many things. I wished I handled things differently, I should have told you. I shouldn't have done this to you. You deserved better, Tobin, I know that. I'm sorry that I'm not the person you deserve. I'm even sorry that I am who I am. But there are things I can't change. I can't change that I'm married and I can't change the fact that I met him before I had the privilege to meet you. I'm begging you not to tell me that I don't know what I did to you because I do. I'm aware of your pain and it haunts me at night. I'm truly sorry, Tobin." Her voice was shaking and I looked at her through my slightly blurred vision. I became aware of the fact that we were still in a parking lot and blinked away the tears. 

"Please, let go of me." I told her and she let go of my wrist with a regretful expression on her face. She seemed to think her touch had hurt me but it wasn't the grip on my wrist that hurt me.

I believed her. I did. In fact I never doubted the fact that she didn't want us to end the way we ended. She had never really thought it through. She had never actually questioned anything. Neither her feelings nor her actions. Nothing. I believed she never actually intended on hurting others I just thought that she didn't care enough to think about them. She was sorry for me getting hurt but she wasn't sorry for her actions. She didn't apologize for getting married or leading me on. Alex just didn't care. And that was what hurt the most. Maybe it had been my fault from the beginning. I should have seen the way she was and shouldn't have been fooled by it.

I didn't want to be reminded of all that knowledge. I didn't want to hear it or think about it.  
It was the reason I wanted all that distance.   
Christen was right: You don't want her to get the wrong idea...   
I should have left it the way it was. 

I turned around and got into my car without looking at Alex again. All I wanted was to get away from my thoughts, this situation and her...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it took me a while to write the second chapter. I just thought the first chapter was really good and I wanted something that was on the same level. Let me know what you think about it :)
> 
> Follow me on tumblr: j-j-8  
> I'm willing to answer all the asks on there haha


	3. Chapter 3

"I just don't like it. What can I say?" Alex exclaimed loudly as she grinned as big as physically possible. We were laying so close together that I could feel her laugh vibrating through her body. The sand beneath us was still a little warm as the sun was just about to leave the sky. The orange light of the sunset was beautiful and I liked the sound of the ocean. I enjoyed the atmosphere and the presence of the woman next to me. All of this made me feel...home, content with life and simply happy. 

"Okay, this is ridiculous, Alex." I said, throwing my hands in the air as if the gesture would underline the following statement. "Everyone likes chocolate!" 

"Not everyone." She told me while shaking her head. 

"Everybody I know does." I disagreed and she sighed. She rolled onto her side and looked down at me with a soft smile. Her finger ran up and down my collar bone before she leaned down to press a kiss against my cheek.

"Well, now you know someone who doesn't." She whispered before she placed a lingering kiss on my lips. "So you might as well accept it, Tobs." 

-one and a half years later-

"I just can't get it out of my head." I exclaimed and forced another shot of horrible tasting liqour down my throat. "It's like a video. But it's stuck so I'm forced to watch the same scene over and over again." I mumbled angrily. 

"You know, I'm not sure if I can follow you, Tobin. What exactly is it that you can't get out of your head?" Allie asked me. I looked at her through my slightly blurred vision. She was sitting next to me in this bar and all she did was listen to me talk while I was getting drunk.

"What's wrong with you, Allie?" I slurred and she looked at me with that sincere look in her eyes as she didn't seem to know what I mean. "Don't you have things to do? You're sitting here with me and you're drinking fucking water. Who does that at a bar?" 

"Well, someone needs to drive you home, don't you think?" She asked and looked down at the glass of water in her hand causing me to sigh dramatically. 

"Allie! Why are you like this?! You're like too nice for this world, it's annoying me. Why are you here? I mean I know why you're here. It's because I called you. But that's the freaking problem, Al. You have this fiancé, who's also way too nice for this world, and still you're here on a saturday night. How are you this nice? It's disturbing." I exclaimed loudly and if I hadn't been so drunk I might have noticed the angry sparkle in the eyes of my friend.

"You're also nice, Tobin. Apparently just not when you're drunk." Allie told me. 

"Ohhh, now we're getting somewhere. You're getting pissed." I poked her cheek with my index finger and she slapped my hand away causing me to release a chuckle. 

"I'm not pissed. But I do sense that you're trying to get me angry. Just stop it. You don't have to fight me. I'm your friend and I'm trying to be here for you, so if you could stop being a bitch I would really appreciate it." She said and rolled her eyes. 

"But you don't get it." I decided to say. I was about to piss her off a little more just anger someone as much as I was angered by a certain woman but I felt like Allie wasn't going to give in on my poor attempts. "Nobody gets it and that's the problem. In the end I'm always alone." 

"No, you're not. You have me and-" Allie tried to interrupt my negative thinking but I was forced to cut her off.

"Who do I have, Allie?! I don't have anyone. You have your fiancé and Christen is half of the year on the other end of the country. Alex has her husband. I need someone permanent which turns out to be difficult to find." I exclaimed and Allie furrowed her brows. 

"I'm sorry but what exactly does Alex have to do with this? If you wanted Alex's attention all you had to do is say something to her. As far as I'm concerned you haven't talked to her in like a year." Allie told me a little confused, maybe even a little annoyed.

"Alex is such a slut." I said through gritted teeth and took a sip of the beer that the bartender had placed infront of me. Honestly, it was way under my level to use the word 'slut' and in general to insult Alex. On one hand because I barely ever talked about her anymore and on the other because it was so pointless. Insulting someone was pointless because insulting always meant assulting someone of being something they're not. And technically Alex wasn't a slut, she might be heartless and a bad person overall but if we're being politically correct not a slut. 

"Are you serious right now?" Well, now she was angry. Interesting... Allie didn't care when I talked shit about her but now that I'm insulting her friend she gets mad. Kudos to her. A loyal woman. "I don't know what happened between the two of you but you don't have any reason to say something like that. You're my friend and I have your back but I'm not going to support that. She's my friend as well." 

"I have enough reasons, actually." I turned around to the midfielder and looked into her eyes. "You might think she's your friend but she's such an asshole that I could talk about it for hours. She is not a good person. It's a fact and even you can't change that. She is selfish and just her existence tears me apart day by day." 

"Stop, Tobin. You're drunk. I don't want to hear this, you don't know what you're saying." Allie said while tears were running down my cheeks. She grabbed her jacket and paid the bill before grabbing my wrist. Before I could react she had pulled me out of the bar and into the parking lot where her car was. 

"So you don't believe me? Do you want to know what happened? I'm goinf to tell you what happened." I sobbed and Allie turned around with a worried expression on her face. "She slept with me, made me think she had feelings for me and then left me to marry some douchebag all of the sudden! Me and her we're together for eight months. No, wait. Together might be the wrong word because all I ever was to her was a sex toy. So don't tell I don't get to insult her because she fucking broke me! Look at me. I'm a mess and it still haunts me. I just- I just wished this never happened. I'm such an idiot. I let her flirt with me, I let her kiss me, I let her make me fall in love with her and I let her break my heart. I'm an idiot." I covered my face with both of my hands and I was able to feel the tears running through my fingers. I felt miserable. Miserable in a way I haven't felt like in a year. My stomach started to hurt because I was trying so hard not to make noises while crying. 

Memories had been surrounding my brain since I spoke to Alex and I felt like my mental health was falling apart second by second. It scared me to death that this had such an effect on me and I wished I could have forgotten the conversation or even better forgotten her. Allie pulled my hands away from my face to place her own on my cheeks instead.

"Tobin, breath...you're okay, please, calm down. I don't think you're an idiot and I would never do. You're one of the toughest and kindest people I have ever met. You don't deserve to suffer like this. It breaks my heart to see one of the best friends I've ever had like this but I know that you will get through this. But for now you need to calm down, catch your breath." Allie told me softly before wrapping her arms around me. "Come on, Tobs. I will drive you home."

-

Ugh, jesus christ...There was nothing more disturbing than the way your head feels after you spend the whole night turning the blood in your veins into alcohol. I raised my hand to shield the sun from my eyes just to see mascara all over it. Well, great...I didn't even want to see what my face looked like. I sat up slowly while rubbing my temples. I should have taken my mother's advice and take an aspirin while still being drunk so I wouldn't have had to wake up with this massive headache. 

"How are you feeling?" Someone asked out of nowhere and I jumped up from the bed that turned out not to be mine. After realizing that it was just Jose Batista, Allie's boyfriend standing infront of me I placed a hand against my chest.

"Oh my god, you scared me to death." I breathed out while trying to take in my surrounding. Clearly Allie's apartment, the guest room to be more specific. I had slept here a few times already but since I could not remember not sleeping in my own bed I was slightly surprised to hear another voice.

"That's hard to believe comsidering you're standing right infront of me. Very much alive." He grinned and I managed to chuckle at the remark. "I apologize for scaring you. I just thought I'd let you know that me and Allie made breakfast. If you want to join us you're more than welcome to do so." He smiled at me kindly and I sighed. Jose was such a nice guy and he and Allie were perfect for eachother. That reminded me of the words I said to Allie yesterday and that I was trying to take her down with me so badly. I was being dramatic and I was ashamed of my actions. I just couldn't believe I had allowed things to go that far. 

"No, no. I don't want to bother you-"

"You're not bothering us."

"I need to shower-"

"We have a bathroom, you know? You can use the shower, we will wait for you." 

"You're food is going to get cold-"

"I don't mind." 

"That's not necessary-"

"It's not necessary but we are very willing to do it. So, Tobin, just do the two of us a favor and stop turning me down. It's just a breakfast and a shower. I can't let you leave like that, you're probably going to pass out. Come on." We smiled at eachother and I just nodded. It was truly difficult to turn down his offer and I just felt like they would think I needed their help. But who can resist someone who's kindly asking you to stay when you don't have any good arguments not to do so. 

A couple minutes later and water was running down my back, giving me time to review last night. Obviously it wasn't my best night and I was incredibly embarrassed. I was embarrassed by my actions in the bar. Could you imagine what the people working there might think of me? But more importantly I was embarrassed that Allie had witnessed all of it. She's my friend and I had dragged her into a bar and then insulted her. I'm a horrible person. 

My chest hurt because I had seriously messed up. Getting drunk and talking shit is usually something that can be forgiven but as soon as I saw Allie this morning I remembered what exactly I had said. She had looked at me the way friends do when they feel your pain and I had realized that I probably just ruined a friendship. It was never my intention to make Alex seem like a horrible person in Allie's eyes. I would have never wanted to be the reason why Alex lost friends.   
But I had done something that I wouldn't forgive myself easily: I had outed Alex. It wasn't my right to tell other people about Alex's preferences even if those included myself and by telling Allie about me and Alex I had given out information that wasn't mine to give. I felt horrible about that and needed to do something about it. I couldn't just leave it like that. 

I finished my shower quickly and put on the clothes Jose had given me out of Allie's closet. I took a quick look into the mirror, realized I looked half dead and turned into the other direction to brush my hair.   
After that I walked back into the kitchen where the engaged couple had a very complex discussion about cheesecake and how Allie refused to eat that at their wedding while Jose seemed to refuse to attend the wedding if they wouldn't at least have a small cheesecake. Their serious faces during the debate made me laugh and the both of them turned around to me. 

"Harry, tell him that cheesecake is not going to be served at the wedding." Allie told me sternly. I was still amused whenever she used the nickname.

"You know, Al, I kind of like cheesecake." I teased her causing her to groan and him to jump up and down like a child making me laugh even more. 

"Ugh, we'll discuss that later on again." My friend said while shaking her head. "But now sit down. Let's eat something 'cause I'm starving." 

"Actually, Allie, could I talk to you for a second?" I asked her politely while Allie watched her fiance stuff his face with pancakes and smiled. The two of them were made for eachother and I couldn't have been happier for them. Sometimes it was nice to see what I was missing because I could put an image on the grief. I could truthfully admit that this was exactly what I wanted. The only thing missing was that one person caring as much as I did. 

Allie took one big bite of her pancake before following me outside. She gently pushed me into the bathroom and closed the door behind us. 

"Okay...um...I don't know how to start this...I'm honestly so so so sorry for last night. I never meant to hurt or offend you by what I was saying. Yesterday was just not a good day and I promise you I'm never going to bother you like that again-" 

"Tobin, hold up." Allie cut me off by raising her hand. "You're not bothering me and you have never been. I'm not going to lie and say I liked what you said last night or the state you were in but it's not changing anything. I'm you're friend. I'm in for the good and bad. You don't see me complaining, do you? Honestly it's fine.  
I dont know what exactly happened between you and Alex but if you want to talk about it I'm here and if you don't I'm here as well. Judging from what you said to me last night I'm assuming she hurt you deeply and-"

"Allie...Me and Alex is something I wish I had never told you about. I never wanted to affect your friendship or something...Like I just don't want you to treat her differently. She is the same person she has always been. It was my fault by misjudging that. Please don't do anything just because of me. I really don't want that." I told her honestly and my chest felt like it would burst apart any second. Allie didn't look like she would take me by word and that was making me nervous. She ran her hand through her hair before sighing.

"I'm not sure if I can do that. Alex and you have been my best friends for a long time now and this kind of changed a lot, you know? It's hard for me to look at her the same way I did before. All of that...just doesn't sound like Alex....it's not that I don't believe you...I'm just a little disappointed in myself for misjudging someone's personality like that."

"Jesus, Allie...Her personality hasn't changed and a person can't be defined by one action in their lives. I want you to just forget about what I told you. She's you're best friend and there are reasons why. Please, don't take my reasons to keep distance to her into consideration. I'm begging you. Don't be like Christen...The thing between me and Alex is just hard to understand. Don't even try."   
I know that I started to sound desperate at this point but I actually was. It felt like I was talking to a puppy. Like I knew she was listening but at the same time she was just ignoring my words. 

"Wait, hold up. You guys told Christen but not me-" 

"Okay, no. I'm going to stop you right there. First of all I never told Christen she found out by catching us and second of all Alex definitely never told anyone anything about the two of us which is exactly the problem here. I'm not in the position to tell other people about what happened. You're not supposed to know." I explained as well as possible but I could literally sense her getting more and more annoyed with Alex.

"Why would you care? It's not your fault if other people start changing their minds about Alex because they start to see the way she really is." 

"No, no, Allie, don't. The way she is? The way she is is why you're friends with her, the way she is is why she has so many fans, the way she is is why I fell in love with her.   
This just didn't work. It was a one way road into the wrong direction. Walking backwards is slower than forward and you might trip a few times but eventually you'll get to you're destination. And I'm getting there. Don't do her wrong, okay? This has nothing to do with you or her personality or her career or anything like that. It was something between me and her.   
Just let it go, Allie, please." 

I walked past her and back into the living room to leave the apartment all together. I was hoping for the best but Allie had her own mind and she didn't let other people tell her what to do or what to think. That was why I liked her so I wouldn't want to change it. 

I know I wouldn't get around talking to Alex. I would need to tell her about Allie knowing. It wasn't fair otherwise, in the end it was also her life. I didn't think Allie would tell anyone but just in case she intended to I wanted to give Alex the chance to talk to her first. I meant the things I told Allie. I didn't want to disturb their friendship. I'm not that petty. 

I walked towards a near café and ordered a coffee. I sat down in a silent corner and pulled my phone out. It didn't take me long to find her number and I had to take a deep breath before dialing. It rang a couple of times and I already thought she might had changed her number when someone picked up. 

"Carrasco." Was all he said as a greeting but it was enough for me to knock my coffee over. I picked it up as quick as I could but most of the coffee had already been spilled. 

"Hello?" He said a little louder now and forced me to redirect my attention back to the phone. 

"Yeah, uh...here is Tobin." I stuttered and shook my head in disappointment. 

"Tobin Heath?" He asked and I rolled my eyes. How many people could he possibly know named Tobin? Especially ones that would call Alex. 

"Yeah, Heath." I said quickly. "I wanted to talk to Alex." I said and the tone might have implied annoyance about the fact I was talking to him instead. 

"She's not-" He suddenly stopped talking because someone in the background yelled at him. Someone that sounded a lot like Alex. I couldn't understand what she said but I heard his side of the conversations and it became clear what it was about.

"I picked up your phone because it was ringing, that's why. Am I not supposed to? I'm your husband after all." He defended himself and I furrowed my brows but didn't interrupt. 

"It's Tobin Heath." Again the last name. I just highly doubted Alex knew another Tobin. 

"No, if I give you the phone we'll be late." 

"Just give me my damn phone, Serv." Now Alex voice was closer to the phone and I was able to understand her properly. She sounded angry and I was genuinely surprised by the situation I had gotten in. 

"Hello?" Now she was talking into the phone and I was a little relieved. I heard footsteps and realised she was walking into a different room. 

"Hi, Alex." I said quietly. "I need to tell you something." 

"Okay? Do you want to meet up? You know...to talk about whatever it is." She sounded as if she was just as nervous as I was. 

"No. I mean aren't you in Florida?" I answered. I wasn't too sure if I wanted to meet up with Alex but on the other hand she might wouldn't be as mad if I told her in person. 

"No, not yet. We're leaving in a few days. Where are you? I'll come there." She suggested and I sighed.

"I'm at the café next to Allie's apartment. Do you know that?" I told her.

"Yeah, I know that one. I need like 10 minutes." She said and with that the conversation was pretty much over. 

I managed to wipe the coffee off the table after she hung up and ordered a new one since there wasn't much left in my cup. Then I waited for her to get here. It didn't take long or maybe my mind had drifted off but all of the sudden she was standing right in front of me. She smiled at me shyly before sitting down on the opposite side of the table I was sitting at.  

"Hey." She greeted me. 

"Hi." It was just a very awkward situation. I didn't really know how to start this conversation and I kind of wanted it to end already. Alex didn't seem like she wanted to say something before I did and just looked at me. It was silent and uncomfortable. Words just wouldn't come out and I didn't want to appear as a stuttering mess. 

"Are you going to tell me about that thing you wanted to talk about?" Alex asked gently leaning onto the table. 

"It's not that I want to have a talk about it. I just need to tell you because I felt like you deserve to know." I told her and sipped at my new coffee. Alex just nodded in order to get me to continue.

"Last night...I told Allie about what happened between us..." I said and guilt was taking over me. Alex leaned back and a look of surprise appeared on her face but before she could say anything I was already talking again. "I didn't mean to. It was by accident and I regret it. I can't take it back so I thought I would at least tell you." 

"What did she say?" Alex asked me immediately but there was no hint of anger in her voice.

"She was surprised, I guess." 

"Yeah, but what did she say about me? I mean we both know I'm clearly the bad guy in this story." She pointed out and I felt attacked by that statement. It sounded like I was the one making her look bad in this when all I did was telling Allie the truth. It also made it sound so minimal. Although I wasn't sure if that was truly the way she meant it.

"She didn't say anything good or bad about you. She was surprised, that's all." I answered coldly. "Why don't you just ask her yourself? I'm not in her head." 

"There is no need to talk to me that way, Tobin." Alex said looking at the ceiling. 

"What way?" I asked and her gaze met mine.

"You sound as if I have already pissed you off and I haven't even said more than five sentences yet." She said and sounded upset. 

"It's not what you said that pisses me off it's more what you implied." I mumbled so quietly I wasn't sure she even heard me and I also wasn't sure if I wanted that.

"And what am I implying?" 

"I'm going to leave. I told you what I wanted you to know. You can deal with the rest." I said and got up but she grabbed my arm. It wasn't a tight grip it was more of a simple touch to let me know she wanted me to stay but would let me go if I needed to. 

"No, Tobin, please. I wasn't implying anything. I didn't mean to upset you..." She looked at me so sincerely that I was forced to believe her. "Can we just talk a little more? The last time we tried it didn't go really well and I wasn't even able to tell you everything I wanted to let you know." 

I slowly sat down again and she gave me a thankful smile. 

"I am so sorry." 

"You already said that, Alex." I told her and leaned back. 

"I did, yeah, but a thousand apologies wouldn't be enough. I don't care if you tell the whole wide world about us and I don't care if every person on this earth starts to hate me if it makes you feel better. I think about you and what I did all the time and I feel so horrible. I just want to make it up to you, Tobin, I really do." Alex teared up and I felt a little helpless. I didn't want to see her that way but I knew she should feel like this. It was only fair compared to what I have went through. That thought didn't make it any easier though. 

"I'm not sure if you can do that." I whispered and a tear rolled down her cheek. The color of her blue eyes got a little more prominent and she looked heartbroken. It made my chest ache and I had to look into a different direction for a moment.

"But I'm willing to try." Her voice shook and she wiped the tears off her cheeks and sat up straight. "I'm willing to do anything you want me to do in order to get you to forgive me. I mean if forgiveness is a realistic goal I'll try to reach it. Just please let me try." She begged me and tried her best to smile at me. It was a poor version of her regular smile but it was sweet. 

"Why now, Alex? You had over a year and now that you're leaving you want to make it up to me? Is this because you and Servando have a crisis?" I asked and she furrowed her brows. 

"Crisis?" She asked and seemed confused. 

"Well, seemed like it judging by what I heard during the phone call." I said now a little less confident but she became flustered rather quickly. 

"Oh." She breathed out. "It's not like- It's just a bit difficult at times. Me and him are struggling a bit but...you don't need to worry about it. Let's not talk about him. This is definitely not about him.  
I meant everything I said and I'm not lying to you. It would mean the world to me if you just gave me a chance to prove it to you, Tobin." 

There was a moment of silence between us and I searched in her eyes to find the lie but she looked so genuinely upset it was hard to tell. I would never be able to forget the pain she caused me and I also wouldn't forgive her just because of a little talk. But it wouldn't hurt to see if she really meant it. If she didn't I'd just go back to the way it had been for the last year. 

"You'll get one chance." I told her and she grinned at me. "Just one."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on tumblr and feel free to message me on there (@j-j-8) I'd love to talk to you guys.  
> Also leave some feedback I would really appreciate it <3


	4. Chapter 4

~2014~

She smelled amazing.

She smelled like fruit to be exact. Like strawberries and watermelon. A mix of these. 

Whenever I held her in my arms and my head was burried in her neck I was able to smell it. You know the feeling you get when you come home after a long time away? That was how I felt whenever I smelled the perfect mix of strawberries and watermelon. She was home. 

"That was clearly a foul! Come on, ref!" Alex exclaimed loudly before leaning back against my body. I chuckled lightly and pulled the blanket back over the both of us. We were laying in bed, her back against my front, my chin on her shoulder, wasting our free day on watching a soccer game. Barcelona was playing and Alex had gotten really into it which was really amusing to watch. She would yell at the tv or mumble to herself and it was actually way worse than when she was playing herself. 

"Stop laughing, Tobs." She pinched my arm that was placed around her waist which made me laugh even more. "You know I'm right." 

"Sure. You're always right. How could I possibly forget that?" I whispered and softly kissed her jaw. She hummed and reached behind herself to place her hand on my cheek. I took that as my key to keep going and slowly kissed down her neck. I couldn't help but smile against her skin when she released a quiet moan. I looked up to see her smile with her eyes closed. They snapped open a second later though and she turned around in my arms to straddle my lap. Her eyes were sparkling and she had this challenging look on her face that made my heart race. 

"You're eyes are so beautiful." I mumbled and she caressed my cheek with her thumb.

"I know." She whispered back before leaning down to kiss my cheekbone. "You tell me all the time." 

I slipped my hands beneath her shirt and felt her warm skin against my hands. I sighed contently and pulled her closer to me. She pressed her lips against mine and we created a steady rhythm together that made me lose my breath. Her lips were soft and gentle against mine, the way they have always been and the way I had gotten so used to. She pressed herself so tightly against my body that I could feel her heartbeat against my skin and while one of her hands was still on my cheek the other one had found its way to the bottom of my shirt that she was slowly pushing up. I pulled my hands out from under her shirt and disconnected our lips to pull my own off.

She looked down at my body amd bit her bottom lip while the corner of her mouth curled upwards. My abdomen flexed under her fingertips as she was slowly running her fingers up and down my skin. She leaned back down to kiss me on the lips before whispering huskily in my ear. 

"You're so hot, Tobin." 

That was all it took for me to flip us over so I was hovering above her. She was still biting her lip so I leaned down to take her lip between my own teeth and slightly tugged on it before closing the gap between us and properly kiss her. 

"I hope this never ends." I mumbled against her lips and felt her nod in agreement but her attention was fully on my lips. 

There were more things I wanted to say but I couldn't. There was one sentence that stuck out in particular. Something I wanted her to know but would probably never be brave enough to say out loud:

"I hope you're still here when I wake up." 

~2015, the present day~

"Alright, now you have officially lost your mind." Christen commented as if it was the only opinion you could have in that case. I opened my mouth to respond something but I was interrupted before I could even begin. "That is the only logical explanation why you would let Alex come back into your life." 

"Don't you think you're exaggerating a little bit, Chris? You're acting as if Alex is Satan himself." I told her and she huffed. She was sitting next to me on our flight to the training camp and I didn't really know how but for some reason we were yet again talking about Alex.

"Well, maybe not Satan himself but definitely his right hand." She rolled her eyes before leaning over to look directly into my eyes. "Tobin, this is not a joke. You cannot possibly consider being friends with her. That's toxic. You don't need another chapter of Alex Morgan." 

"I'm not considering a friendship, Christen. That's not what this is about." I said and leaned back in my seat.  
I was getting tired of this conversation. I didn't want to overthink any decision that I had made. I wasn't willing to analyze my actions because I just wanted to live my life. I didn't want to explain myself but Christen was clearly not approving of that. I loved this woman to pieces but there were reasons why I didn't surround myself with people. I didn't like people telling me what the appropriate way of living was. 

"If it's not friendship than what the hell is it that you're considering? Please, tell me it's not romance because if that is what you're looking for I'm going to jump off a bridge, Tobin, and I will let everyone know it was your fault." She crossed her arms infront of her chest and I chuckled.

"If you continue to be so dramatic I will personally kick your salty ass off that bridge." I said and I could see that she was fighting a grin back. "Look, there is no point in worrying. I'm not considering anything. Between me and her is nothing and I'm going to keep it that way. I just want her to know what her actions really meant. I want her to see what kind of person I am now and that my world is not turning around her. Call me petty but that's my way of handling my life. I don't want another chapter of Alex Morgan. I want to finish this book all together." 

"So you're looking for revenge?"

"God, no. That's not the kind of person I am. I don't want to hurt her the way she hurt me. I just want her to realize what the pain caused." I shrugged.

"I feel like you're only doing this to be close to her again." Christen muttered and I felt like every bit of air had left my lungs. I looked up at her and our gazes connected. "Before you start to defend yourself I want you to know that I understand that desire. You love her and you want her back. Maybe this is an impulsive act and you haven't even thought about but, Tobin, you need to remember the reason why the two of you are seperated. I know it's hard but when you feel connected to her again I want you to remember the past year and everything you have been through."

"I...I'm just seeing how it goes. I loved her. Past tense. And I don't need anyone to remind me of that pain when I'm still feeling it." I told my friend and felt her gaze on me as I turned back around.

"Then why? Tell me the reason-" 

"I don't know." I cut her off. "Me and Alex are on the same team. We are going to see eachother alot and I want to get out of this stage of pain whenever I see her. I just want to get this out of my mind. Isn't that enough of a reason?" I felt exhausted and I knew that Christen didn't believe me. 

"If you say so..."

-

The first time I saw Alex again was at breakfast the first day of camp. I hadn't seen her after the conversation we had in the café because she had moved to Florida. I had gotten an e-mail from her about how the move went and how she was looking forward to seeing me at the next camp. I only responded briefly saying that I was glad everything went well and that the feeling was mutual although I wasn't so sure if that was the truth. 

I wouldn't say I was looking forward to 'the first meeting afterwards'. Like I had said I was rather nervous about this camp.  
Kelley was my roommate and I couldn't have been more grateful for that. I mean technically Kelley talked a little too much for my liking but she was a great friend of mine and I admired her honesty. Also I could have gotten Alex, Allie or Christen as my roommate and anyone was better than them right now. First of all I wouldn't want to share a room with Alex for obvious reasons and second of all I couldn't stand another speech by Christen and I could only imagine what Allie had to say about the current situation. 

Because of Kelley I ended up sitting next to Alex at the table and far away from Christen and Allie. To be quite honest I would have prefered to just skip breakfast but KO was dragging me along. 

"Good morning." Alex said but didn't look up. Instead she was smiling into her coffee cup. Alex had never been a morning person so I was amused by the effort she put into this. 

"Good morning." I responded simply while taking a sip of my own coffee. There was a significant difference between Christen's imagination and reality which was that neither had I forgotten about the past year nor was I willing to forgive Alex. Me and Alex wouldn't just go on like nothing ever happened and we especially wouldn't magically become friends. If we were being honest me and Alex had never been friends in general or at least I had never intended on becoming friends with her. It was clear from the beginning that we were either more or nothing.  
I was not going to have a conversation about the weather with her or something. She wanted to make something up to me that I thought was unfixable so I wasn't going to put any effort into this. What I had agreed on was giving her the chance to make me believe what she said was the truth. Nothing more, nothing less. I felt like Alex was more than aware of the situation she had gotten in.

\- 

I think one of the first times I had ever realized how much I meant to my friends was at that very training camp. It wasn't like I liked the idea or the following actions but I noticed it during the day.  
The interaction between Christen and Alex weren't drastically different but Christen did seem to make a statement. During the first training session she didn't pass the ball to Alex once even when she was clearly in a better position. That caused Christen to hit more balls over the net than I would have thought was possible and it resulted in a very frustrated Alex.  
After the same scenario for what felt like the 50th time Alex started walking towards Christen in a manner that looked like she was going to hit her. The whole team witnessed the situation but before any of us could step in or before Alex could even do something Allie stepped in between the two forwards and to my surprise shoved Alex back quite harshly. Alex ended up on the ground looking as surprised as I felt and Allie and Christen just walked back to the rest of the team. 

All that happened without someone saying a single word and I was trying to figure out what was going on. Allie and Christen walked towards me and all I could do was shake my head. I couldn't believe they just did that. 

I didn't like being the reason why others get in trouble or hurt. And what I liked even less were people who did things for me that I wouldn't do myself. I was more pissed at my two friends than I had ever been before. It wasn't the fact that the person they treated poorly was Alex, it was the action in general that made me mad. Or at least that was what I told myself.

So as a symbolic gesture I walked right past the two of them and straight to Alex who was still lying on her back looking into the sky. She didn't look pissed anymore, more confused and maybe hurt. 

"Are you okay?" I asked her while offering her my hand. She looked at me and forced a smile. I didn't know why she felt the need to do that because I knew Alex pretty well. I could see that she was hurt by the action. Not necessarily the shove itself more the intention behind it. I knew it bothered her that it was Allie who pushed her. The two of them were so close that the whole situation was just kind of odd. 

"I'm fine." She said quietly and accepted my hand so I could help her up. Now that she was standing in front of me I could feel her breath against my skin. She looked into my eyes for a moment before simply squeezing my hand. She left without saying another word but now a genuine smile was plastered on her face. 

My stomach hurt because I suddenly felt really guilty. Guilty because I felt like it was my fault that Alex was treated that way but also because I felt like I was betraying my friends by sticking up for the girl who broke my heart. I was a good person and I was a good friend. Sometimes I felt like that was the reason I got let down so often. Maybe I was too nice and maybe I shouldn't care so much about everyone's feelings around me. 

Maybe it was wrong to feel so guilty about the fact that the way Alex looked at me made my heart race. 

-

I ignored most of my teammates for the rest of the day. I had enough of humanity and being social. I didn't want to get dragged into situations that made me feel bad anymore so I put my headphones on and tuned the world out as well as I could. 

When I walked back to my hotel room after dinner I saw Allie and Christen walking down the hallway together. They were talking to eachother and I stopped walking and took my headphones off. 

I couldn't believe this. Now they were bonding? Really?! 

They were bonding over the fact that they were both mad at Alex and I just felt anger running through my veins. I started jogging after them and right before the door to the hotel room they shared closed behind them I put my hand against the door. I slipped into the room before shutting the door loudly. Both of their heads spun around and they looked at me a little shocked. 

I wasn't a person that would yell or get really angry but in that moment I could barely control myself. The way they looked at me as if they hadn't done anything wrong was the main reason for that. 

"What the hell is wrong with you two?!" I asked them and walked further into the room causing my friends to walk backwards. I didn't think they were scared but they had never seen me like this before either. 

"Tobin, you're overreacting." Christen said and sat down on her bed. Allie followed by sitting on the opposite one. 

"I'm definitely not the one overreacting. Who do you think you are? Don't ever do anything like this again. You guys do not speak or act for me, okay? I'm the one making the decisions for my life and I'm the one who's responsible for the consequences so leave me alone." I pretty much shouted at them and that surprised even me. I was a very calm person and that was just not normal for me but I couldn't help myself. Christen jumped up from the bed.

"You expect me to 'leave you alone' while you fuck up your life, Tobin? You're my best friend and I won't let you do that. You can be angry all you want but that's not going to happen." Christen was almost speaking as loud as me and that as well was very unusual. 

"You just said it yourself: It's my freaking life. Not yours and not Allie's." I turned around to the midfielder. "What do you think you're doing anyway, Allie? Pushing you're best friend around as if she means nothing to you. I know exactly why you feel the need to this but let's get this straight: I don't want you to do this. I already told you that I don't want this to effect your relationship with Alex otherwise I would have told you a lot earlier."  

"What are you expecting me to do, Tobin? I can't just go on like I don't know about this. You and Alex are equally as important to me and to think that she did this to you is unbearable. I can't believe Alex would do such thing and now I'm questioning alot more than just our friendship." Allie explained and I could tell that she was upset. She truly didn't know what to do and that made it hard to yell at her like I did before.

"Allie." I sighed and grabbed her hand. "This is not something Alex does or did on a daily basis. I understand that you dont know how to deal with all of this but let me tell you something. Alex is the same person she has always been. She isn't hiding anything from you and if you feel the need to reassure you of that spend some time with her. She loves you the way you love her. Nothing has changed for you. This happened a year ago and you didn't notice a change, right? It's because there was none."

"Still...I'm not sure how to handle this. I want to be a good friend to you-" 

"If you want to make me happy then just be as good of a friend to Alex as you are to me. I really don't want you to prove some sort of loyalty to me by physically abusing Alex." I chuckled lightly at my words but Allie looked genuinely concerned so I stopped. "She's fine. Don't worry. Maybe you should talk to her though and sort everything out." 

Allie nodded while sighing in relief. She quickly stood up, leaving the room and me and Christen in silence. I turned around to the brunette who looked at me with the same expression on her face as always when she was being stubborn. 

"Here is what you're going to do from now on-" I started but she cut me off immediately.

"No. Don't even try telling me what to do. This is not right and you know it. She is doing you wrong and I won't let that happen. Maybe you don't see it now but you will be aware in the future. Tobin, I just don't want you to get hurt again." She almost pleaded and I shook my head looking up at the ceiling.

"You just don't get it...I'm doing fine right now and you're the one who can't accept it. What are you so afraid of, Christen? This is not going to make me feel any worse if it does end up horribly painful. I'm already at an all time low. All I want is to be content with life. The situation between me and her stands in between the happiness of my future. In order to move on I need to sort this out, okay? This doesn't feels like it's finished yet and I need a clear ending because I don't want to feel heartbroken anymore. It's been such a long time that I feel like I'm going insane eventually if I can't sort this out. I need this, Christen, and you're making my life very difficult at the moment when it doesn't have to be that way." I said and looked her dead in the eye. "I'm not scared and you don't have to be either."

"I don't want to lose you." She whispered and she sounded so sad that it was almost painful. I took a step forward in order to pull her into a hug but she stepped away from me. 

"You're not losing me, Chris. What do you mean? I'm right here." I said and she released a sarcastic laugh. 

"You're the one saying that I don't get the situation you're in while you're the one that doesn't understand anything at all." She turned away from me but I saw the way she teared up and I was just so confused.

"You're right. I really don't understand what's going on but you could help me out by talking to me. I'm not leaving you because of Alex. You're still my best friend no matter what-" That seemed to be the breaking point for the beautiful forward as she cut me off by storming past me to the door. She opened the door to make me leave the room while a tear was running down her cheek and I felt horrible just seeing her that way. I was so confused by everything that was going on.

"Chris...I'm sorry-"

"Just go, Tobin." Christen said harshly and I did what I was told.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wohoo! Finally another chapter and a very important one as well. As you might can see I changed the tags. That was not a sudden decision btw that was always in my mind when it came to the plot.  
> Let me know if you like it or hate it although I will not change the idea haha.  
> Also hit me up on tumblr.  
> I hope you like the chapter.


	5. Chapter 5

I knocked softly against the door. Two times. Barely hearable. Probably caused by the simple fact that I didn't even want her to open the door, I didn't want to have the conversation that we were about to have. It made me feel sick to even imagine what was about to happen because I had no idea how this would go. I had no plan, I wasn't even sure what I wanted to talk about, how I would say the things I needed her to know. Judging from experience I knew that when you feel so strongly about an interaction then it is very important to take part in it. It was necessary to get this over with and I could not wait until it was over, in hopes of feeling some relief.  
The door opened and Alex sighed as she was taking in the sight of me standing infront of her hotel room. She tilted her head, causing a strand of hair to fall into her face while a small smile formed on her lips. 

"Stop looking at me like that." I told the forward in order to keep my mind focused on the task. There was something about the way her eyes sparkled when she looked at me that made me realize that if I didn't stop her at that moment I would lose the battle before it even started...and before she even knew that there was a battle.

"How am I looking at you?" She asked while stepping aside so I could enter the room which I did. I walked over to the balcony and looked out of the window while the depressing feeling of a déjà vu came over me. This setting reminded me so much of the conversation we had when everything fell apart and I had to take a deep breath to shake this feeling off as Alex closed the door.

"You're looking at me as if I am not the one responsible for the disaster at training." I turned around to face the athlete. 

"That wasn't your fault." Alex clarified and waved it off. She sounded calm and at ease with her surrounding which was absolutely terrifying when you think about the rising anxiety inside of ME. Although that didn't mean that I thought she wasn't sensible or something similar to that, maybe I was just triggered more easily.

"Yes, it was?" I didn't understand the way she was handling this whole situation. "I should have never told Allie about the past and I'm sorry that Christen is so overprotective. It's not their place to be and I'll try my best to prevent something like this from happening again." 

"Tobin, stop. Those are the consequences that I have to deal with. I told you that I don't care who knows about what we had because all I want is for you to forgive me. Allie has every right to be mad and I'd be shocked if she behaved any differently. And as far as Christen is concerned...she has never been my biggest fan anyway...for obvious reasons." Alex smiled a small unhappy smile and I furrowed my brows at her words. 

"Well, she's my friend and you are...a painful part of my past. She is trying to protect me." Alex scoffed and shook her head. 

"A painful part of your past...Wow." She sounded bitter and upset. I was confused by her reaction. How else would she describe our current relationship to eachother? It was what it was. Where was the point in making it seem prettier than it had been. I had always been an honest person and I wasn't intending on hurting her with my words, it was just the first thing that came to mind. 

"Would you use a different phrase?" I asked her and noticed immediately that I had adapted the same bitterness as the woman in front of me. She let out a slight laugh without looking amused at all. That had always been one of the things that would put me off: Alex's arrogant way of handling things. Whenever Alex was speechless or went out of arguments to stand her ground she would put up this cold, arrogant way of looking at people or laugh like she just did, attempting to make anything the other person said sound ridiculous, uncalled for or just straight up funny and not something that is necessary to take serious. "Even after one year has passed by you still can't accept the fact that you have done me wrong, you have been an asshole and yes you have indeed caused me a bunch of pain. This is exactly why I won't forgive you...because you just keep on denying what actually happened."

"Okay, hold up for a second. That's not true...I do acknowledge what happened and here I am trying to make it up to you. I told you that I am sorry several times and I mean it-"

"Alex, you just don't get it! You cannot make this up to me, what you did will never be okay and for a long time I thought I wouldn't ever be okay again either. You 'acknowledge' what happened but you didn't feel the pain, you did not suffer and you didn't have to pick up all the pieces of yourself to move on." I layed my finger above her heart and just stared at the spot for a moment, trying to catch my breath before whispering the words that I had never gotten the chance to say. "I was so in love with you."

A small and sad smile was playing on my lips while silent tears were running down my cheeks and my chest burned from trying not to break down completely. 

"I know." Alex voice cracked and for some reason that was very comforting. Over the past year my brain had slowly but surely turned the woman that I had loved so much into someone with no empathy, an emotionless beast that wasn't meant to be loved. But that was not the truth, that wasn't her. There had been a lot more to our story than just sex or just some good laughs. We had shared our passions with eachother, we had deep conversation so late at night that we sometimes didn't even go to bed anymore. We celebrated our wins, we cherished our ups and we leaned onto eachtother through the downs. She was my person. A sweet and loving person, a happy and kind person who also happened to look breathtaking. I suppose I was blinded by all of that, I was so occupied by her as a person that I had forgotten the life around her. But she didn't, how could she? I was a small extract of her big world while she HAD BEEN my world. She was my everything, I was nobody and that was what hurt the most. She knew exactly what was going to happen but I was not prepared.

"Where is this going?" I asked her and stepped back. "I was wrong. I'm not able to forgive you so stop wasting your time." I wiped my cheeks and took a deep breath to steady myself.

"This is not a waste of time. I have never regretted a single moment that I spent on you and I'm trying to make it up to you as long as I need to. I'm not doing this for myself, this is not about me feeling better. I do not need you to forgive me because that doesn't make it right anyway. I want you to forgive me for your own good. Life is short. I don't want you to spend your life with negative thoughts whenever you hear my name. I want you to be happy." 

"Oh, how unselfish of you. That's new." I replied angrily. "Where was this attitude when you were practically ripping my heart out? I do not-" She cut me off by stepping forward and holding onto my arms.

"It wasn't there, I know. I was a horrible person, I know. You are the best thing that will ever happen to me, I know that too. I know all of those things. I had a lot of time to think about them, believe me. At that time I didn't know any better, sometimes you realize how you truly feel about people when you don't have them anymore. Everything felt the same way. When I was with you I had a lot of fun but when I was with Serv I felt that too. So I chose the safer option. My parents adored him and the drama that would have come by standing with you would have been tremendous. 'Alex Morgan cheating on naive, loving boyfriend with female teammate'. What a story that would have been. Today I know that there is more to love than just fun and happiness. I knew it the moment that I went home to him after arguing with you. I realized all the things that I didn't feel with him and I finally came to the conclusion that I never understood that there was the most important part missing: Love. I hadn't noticed it because I WAS in love. Just not with him." Her blue eyes were filling with tears and she was shaking, I could feel the vibration through my arms as she was still holding on to them. 

This was the most honest she'd ever been and I should have been relieved or satisfied but all I could focus on was the anger. I pushed her back by her shoulders and she had to grab onto the table to keep herself from falling over. 

"Who. Do. You. Think. You. Are?" I spit out while she was watching me with wide eyes. "You are telling me all of this NOW? People have to make decisions, Alex, that's life and you made the wrong one. That happens, that's okay. But instead of trying to make it right then and there you waited until I have suffered for over a year! Do you even realize how humiliated and hurt I was by the idea of you dropping me like a one night stand? You're saying that you loved me but I couldn't have been that important to you. After all you got freaking married, Alex! You're selfish and stupid too. You don't treat people like that especially not ones that loved you so dearly." I pushed past her because I wasn't willing to let her see me break down, I wasn't even willing to break down in general. I was already at the door when she grabbed my wrist, holding on for dear life. And that was simply too much for me.

"Let me go!" I screamed so loudly that even I jumped at the sound but Alex wouldn't release my arm and the tears continued to run down her face while I had a hysterical break down. This was all too much for me and I started crying. I snapped my hand over my mouth but it could barely hold the sounds inside and I sank to my knees pulling Alex right with me as she didn't seem to ever let my arm go again. She pulled me against her body and I was forced to inhale to smell of fruit which didn't help at all. I had no energy to push her away and I didn't want to either. For once throughout the whole time that I had known Alex it seemed like she was feeling the same pain as I was and that was comforting. 

So that's what we did for a while. Crying into each other's shoulders while Alex held me as if she was fearing to never be able to touch me again. I thought that helped. Sometimes crying helps, it's a relief, at times it is the only way to express your feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A small chapter but a huge step forward! It also consist of pretty much just dialogue and I kinda like it but I'm sorry if that bothered you.
> 
> I have read this chapter a hundred times until I had no emotions left so now I'm wondering if this was even touching...let me know what you think about it!

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I posted on here and I hope you liked it so far. I will write more chapters and update them as soon as possible.  
> Follow me on tumblr (@j-j-8) to keep up with the story and my decisions around it. Also I'd love to hear your opinion on the story and talk to you in general. So feel free to message me :)


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